Blended families are rarely easy, but when you add an unhealthy co-parent into the mix. One who may struggle with addiction, impulsivity, dishonesty, or chronic instability. It can feel more like trying to co-captain a sinking ship in a storm. I know this firsthand. My husband, David, and I have been married for two years and are raising five children together: two from my previous marriage and three from his.
While we’ve both worked hard to establish a solid, nurturing home together, co-parenting with our respective ex-spouses has proven far more complicated than we anticipated. My ex-husband is battling active alcoholism. David’s ex-wife exhibits recurring patterns of unhealthy relationships and poor decision-making. We’ve read countless books and attended seminars on co-parenting, but most advice assumes both parties are stable and emotionally well. What do you do when they’re not?
Through trial, error, prayer, and a whole lot of self-reflection, we’ve developed an alternative co-parenting approach. One grounded in respect, boundaries, and personal accountability. Here are five respectful strategies that have helped us survive (and sometimes even thrive) while co-parenting with unhealthy ex-spouses.
1. Accept That You Cannot Control the Other Parent
The hardest truth I had to swallow was this: I cannot change my ex-husband. David cannot change his ex-wife. We’ve tried, believe me. When we were married to them, we bent ourselves into pretzels to make things better. It didn’t work then, and it won’t work now. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you reclaim your peace.
Acceptance isn’t about condoning poor behavior. It’s about acknowledging reality so you can stop wasting emotional energy on the impossible. Think of it as freeing yourself. You didn’t cause their unhealthy behavior, and you can’t cure it. All you can do is choose your reaction.
For us, this means not obsessing over what our exes say or do when our kids are with them. We set firm rules and provide loving guidance when the children are in our care, and we let go when they are not. It’s the only way to stay sane.
2. Focus on Being the Healthiest Parent You Can Be
You are your child’s best hope for emotional stability. That might sound daunting, but it’s also empowering. If your co-parent is erratic, manipulative, or absent, your job is not to “compensate” or “fix” what they do but to be a strong, consistent, emotionally grounded presence in your child’s life.
That starts with leading by example. If your child sees you making healthy choices, keeping your promises, respecting boundaries, and taking care of your physical and mental health, they’ll internalize those values. Even if their other parent models the opposite.
In our home, this looks like:
Following through on commitments to our children
Apologizing sincerely when we mess up
Eating well, exercising, and sleeping enough
Talking openly about emotions and modeling emotional regulation
We also avoid relying on harmful coping mechanisms that were born during our previous relationships. I used to overwork and people-please to manage the chaos of living with an alcoholic. Those tendencies don’t serve me anymore, and recognizing them has helped me grow.
3. Set Boundaries and Seek Support
Boundaries are the lifeline of co-parenting with a toxic or unstable person. Without them, you’re at the mercy of every crisis, manipulation, or last-minute change your ex throws your way. Boundaries help you stay grounded, protect your kids, and limit the emotional drain.
Some of the boundaries we’ve put in place include:
Requiring written communication (text or email) to avoid verbal manipulation
Limiting unnecessary contact outside scheduled parenting discussions
Not allowing last-minute changes to visitation unless it’s an emergency
It’s also crucial to seek outside help. We’ve both worked with therapists and family counselors to untangle the emotional aftermath of our past marriages. Our children also see therapists, and we’ve found books and programs that help them understand addiction, codependency, and emotional health in age-appropriate ways.
Remember, healing is not a one-time fix. It’s a continuous process. One that’s best navigated with the help of professionals and support groups.
4. Don’t Badmouth-Tell the Truth Respectfully
Children in high-conflict co-parenting situations are often caught in a web of lies, manipulation, and secrecy. You have a responsibility to be honest with them but that doesn’t mean throwing your ex under the bus.
The key is telling the truth with empathy and restraint.
When my children ask why their father missed their recital again, I validate their sadness and explain, gently, that their dad struggles with something called alcoholism. I don’t name-call, exaggerate, or roll my eyes. I keep my explanations age-appropriate and focus on the child’s experience, not the ex’s behavior.
When David’s son asked whether his mom left because of another man, David answered honestly but carefully. He didn’t blame, he didn’t shame, and he didn’t offer unnecessary details. Just enough to help his son understand the past without damaging his relationship with his mother.
Telling the truth respects your child’s right to reality. Doing it gently respects their love for both parents.
5. Take the High Road-Even When It’s Hard
I’ll admit it: nothing tests your patience more than watching your ex or your spouse’s ex make choices that directly hurt your children. It’s easy to want to retaliate, control the situation, or cut the other parent out. But that almost always backfires.
One of the best decisions I made was to treat my stepdaughters’ mother with respect even when I didn’t feel like it. When the girls had a dance recital, I debated whether to invite her backstage. She rarely takes them to their activities and often dismisses our efforts. But the girls wanted her there. So I swallowed my pride and invited her.
The result? The girls felt supported, and the event went smoothly. I may not trust her decisions, but I will always respect my stepchildren’s need to feel loved by both parents.
Respect doesn’t mean enabling poor behavior. It means refusing to stoop to their level. Your dignity matters. Especially in front of your children.
Additional Tips for Navigating Life with an Unhealthy Co-Parent
In addition to the five core strategies above, there are several other principles that have helped us maintain our sanity and build a peaceful life:
1. Choose Your Battles Wisely
Unhealthy co-parents often create chaos. If you respond to every slight, every manipulation, every lie. You will burn out fast. Ask yourself: “Is this issue harming my child? Or just annoying me?” Let go of minor frustrations and save your energy for the big stuff.
2. Don’t Vent Around the Children
You’re human. You need to vent. But not in front of the kids. Children can’t process adult-level anger or frustration. Especially when it involves someone they love. Find a therapist, a journal, or a trusted friend to confide in. Keep your home a safe emotional space for your children.
3. Take Action When Needed
Sometimes you can’t ignore bad behavior. If your ex’s actions cross a line into neglect, abuse, or endangerment, you must act. When David’s ex left their children alone with a stranger she met online, he had to get the courts involved. It was stressful but necessary.
4. Celebrate Your Own Family
In the midst of the drama, don’t forget to enjoy your life. Celebrate your stepfamily. Create traditions. Laugh. Dance. Take vacations. Watch movies. Read books at bedtime. These small acts of love are what your children will remember the most.
5. Feed Your Spirit
Co-parenting with an unhealthy person will test you spiritually. You need a source of strength beyond yourself. For us, it’s prayer, faith-based support groups, and regular worship. This helps us extend grace to our exes and to ourselves.
Real Talk: It’s Okay to Be Tired
You don’t have to pretend this is easy. It’s not. There will be days you cry in the shower, scream in your car, or feel like giving up. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human.
But here’s the beautiful part: every respectful choice you make is building something lasting for your children. You’re showing them how to set boundaries, how to respond to toxicity with grace, and how to heal without hatred. That’s powerful.
A Final Thought on Health and Healing
As parents, we strive to model health in all its forms emotional, spiritual, and physical. One of the small but meaningful things I’ve learned is how even supplements and nutrition can support emotional resilience. While researching various wellness strategies, I came across l-lysine for weight loss, a supplement that some studies suggest may aid in managing cravings and supporting immune health. While not a magic fix, small steps like this remind us that taking care of ourselves, body and mind is part of being the best parent we can be.
Conclusion: You’re Not Alone
If you’re co-parenting with someone who isn’t emotionally well, you’re walking a hard road. But you’re not alone. With respect, boundaries, truth-telling, and grace, you can create a nurturing home and raise emotionally resilient children.